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jdhajkdh [Saturday
November 12th, 2005
9:57pm
]
[ mood | cranky ]

So,It's that time of year again.
That time of year when he ruiened my life.
Made me something I never was, Before he came into my life.
I thought I was fine. I thought for once everything was perfect.
Brandon and I seemed to have everything under control, Everything seemed
to be figured out. But I found myself drifting, I found myself getting lost in my own thoughts more and more each day, Contemplating every incomplete thought that entered my head over and over.The realization that I'm going to be an adult in 3 months. The moment I've waited for my whole life, Just biting my tongue and waiting out the ride for it to be here.
And As it nears, I feel incomplete, I've changed so much since two years ago.
Or so I thought, Lately my friends are out enjoying their weekends, and hanging out together, Not really thinking once about me, and I feel alone isolated like nothing matters.I've started beinge drinking again, I like the way it feels, I'm almost numb for a second.
All of the thoughts I had last year around this time are coming back.
The ones where I just thought of ending it all, One quick bullet to the head.
It doesn't just solve problems, It ends them.
I don't know myself anymore, I really don't and it's scaring me.
I broke up with brandon because I'm unsure about myself, About my life.
And for some reason around the time I was contemplating ending things with brandon, A boy came along. At first glance I swore he was the same as the rest.
Black Hair , Girl Pants , Bandana and a face to die for. I swore he was bad news. But for some reason I stood in the corner and kept my fingers crossed hoping he would say something to me, and to my suprise he did, He came up to me shook my hand and introduced himself. And I did the same.
I didn't know that I was about to find out that this boy is the most amazing boy that I had ever met. After the show we exchanged aim names or myspace names something of the sort, and Schedueled to hang out.
I honestly didn't expect it to happen. But it did.
He drove all the way from cortland to visit me and just hang out.
And that night was perfect, Words couldn't even begin to explain how wonderful it was.

So I'll leave you with some pictures and a few attempted words to explain how incredible that night was for me.
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Now that you have seen the pictures that are worth 1000 words.
Here are the infamous 1000 words.


"It was a quiet walk into town.
I remember I was looking down at the ground.
All I could hear between exchanged words.
Was my heart beating.
Loud enough to deafen those who dared to listen.
I was afriad that I was the only one who could hear it.
Looking at you from behind the glass,
The colored lights cast a neon prisim of color on your face.
You were the most beautiful picture I had ever seen.
But, my lips wouldn't DARE tell you.
The whole walk home, I wanted to scream.
I hadn't had a night like that in forever.
And I'll always remember when I put out my overly anxious arms and wanted to collapse in yours.
Upon the nights departure, I smiled and said to myself.
" I know where I'm going, I just don't know how to get there".
Because I've been looking for the directions.
But they're no longer written on my hands in black ink pen.
So I'll rely on your words.
And I'll just keep smiling until I see you again.
Last night I laid in the grass
The warm wind blew over me and, Wrapped me up like a blanket.
and the whole time I was wishing you could see the way the sky was raining colors, The way the sound of each leaf fluttering to the ground was blocking out the sound of my heart in my chest, As I was laying there thinking about you, I felt like I was dancing for hours, But My feet never left the ground I went inside and called you just to tell you I liked you alot.
But the truth is that just graces the surface of things."


I also hung out with him again this weekend.
and I don't think I could have met a more perfect person.
I honestly sincerely mean that too.

Jeremy Redmond, Is amazing.

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for brandon [Monday
October 31st, 2005
1:17pm
]
[ mood | crappy ]

i tried to stop the world from spinning beneath my feet
and when it wouldn't stop.
I felt my heart breaking,
And with each tearful word you said, I knew subconciously
I'd never be enough.
I know nothing I ever say will stop you from drifting away
When I die , will you remember me?. for what I wanted for you. I don't think.
I looked around, It was a completely colorless day.
It was 10 o clock in the morning, and my eyelashes were pulling at my eyelids to sleep.
But I couldn't, I had an urge to walk down my street and scream at the sky.
Hoping maybe god was listening to me.
I swear my heart was beating so heavily in my chest that it was crushing my lungs.
I then knew what it felt like to have the weight of the world on my shoulders.
And I watched the trains go by from the hillside.
Thats when I realized that circles were meant to be broken all of the time.
And I tried to hold it together, I tried to keep us together,
But I took one step and fell through the floor.
So I'll just pretend that everything ends, Like you and I.
It's not right for you to make assumptions although, Im bound to do the same,
I'll keep my distance, Since you think its better left forgotten burried underneath the ground of
clay, carbon and water surround us, and we climb the stairs together,
and we fall apart at the seams, with concrete hearts to break at the slightest touch.
Atlast i've fallen apart love, I've fallen apart.
So remember those nights on the bed, where you took my hand and told me I was the beating in your heart.
Because When I said I was living for you. I meant it.

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soo [Thursday
September 29th, 2005
11:56pm
]
[ mood | ecstatic ]

Today my dad had surgery I spent like 14+ hrs in the hospital with him.
and came to stay the night and make sure he was okay.
theres no heat in the house and its a cold cold night so im pretttttttyyyyyyyy colddd.
32 degrees is colder than you'd think hah.
anyways i just got off of the phone with manny it went dead:-\
But he asked me out and I said yes, I just get this funny feeling in my gut when im talking to him and i havent had that in awhile plus hes like omfg gorgeous and perfect in everyway, Im so happy.

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[Wednesday
September 21st, 2005
12:15pm
]
[ mood | sad ]

REPOST PLEASE:

Paste this URL
www.myspace.com/doowop
IF YOU DONT BELIEVE LOOK UP THE GIRLS COMMENTS...


Name: Taylor Behl

Age: 17

Body: 5'6" medium build

Hair: Brown hair

Where: Freshman VCU student.

Known Facts:
.oO She went missing Monday.
.oO Her car is gone.
.oO None of her belongings, including her purse, are missing.
.oO There have been no outbound cell phone calls since Monday evening around the time she left - 8PM.
.oO No unknown numbers.
.oO Her credit and debit cards have not been accessed, as she doesn't even have them.
.oO The campus and surrounding neighborhoods have been very thoroughly searched.
The local and state police have been contacted, as well as the FBI.

Please, help us bring her back home safe and sound. If you have any information, possible sightings, please contact the Richmond Police at (804) 828-1196.

Car is a 1997 White Ford Escort 4-door plate tag number "JPC-2848"

Please repost this
the more people who see this
the better Taylor's chances are of being found

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[Friday
September 16th, 2005
12:03am
]
[ mood | cynical ]

You know.
I've done everything I can possibly think of to just try to make things work, I've drifted from those who cared about me most.
Because of you, and all you can do is give me a fucking " if I feel that way again , I'll tell you instead of hiding my feelings".
All I can say to that is, Pretty much .. I can't hold on to a fucking if for the rest of my life, In november it will be a year, That I've put aside people, and Failed to get close to them because of you, and pretty much I've wasted my life, My time, and My patience for a year, for a fucking IF?!!.
This week, you don't want me, but you want to rebuild our friendship. Next week you'll be telling me you wished I was there so we could make out and or do whatever.
I'm not going to keep living like this, you say you can't so why should I be the one waiting.
You said that you don't love me like that anymore.
Yet you told me 3 sentences later, that when you're with "her" you think about the way things could of been with us and contemplate dumping her to get back with me, but then you can't?. You're a fucking walking contridiction. You don't have a clue about what love is, and you shouldn't use the fucking word.
You've hurt me beyond fucking belief, and you said something yesterday, that made me stop and question why I keep coming back. Why do I?. I don't know like you said.
" There are 100's of other boys dying to date you, you know that, so why do you keep coming back nikki?.. We talk for a week and then dont talk for 3 months then you come back after not talking for months and tell me you love me, how can I live with that?." Well buddy, ( im leaving you nameless because im a nice person) how do you expect me to live with you changing your fucking mind every two weeks on how you feel about me.
And you said this wasnt about you anymore, it wasn't about me anymore. that it was about "us"
Well then fucking make a step.. take a fucking step down off of your fucking high horse, and realize that this god damn world doesn't revolve around you.
Do you have any idea why I keep coming back?
Do you really want to know why..?
Because when I look in the mirror each morning.
I don't smile.
I don't smile anymore, Because there isn't a god damn thing in this world that could make me more happy than being with you.
I don't smile, because you were the only person, that I wanted to believe in.
And looking into that mirror every dreadful morning upon waking.
In that frown, I see... what love did to me.
What it does to everyone.
and what you did to me.
and the sad thing is... in 7 months from now.
I might be here waiting for you to get your shit together.
2 years from now.. 6 years from now.. I might still be waiting.
Because for some fucking reason.
I feel you might be worth it in the end.

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lalalala [Thursday
September 15th, 2005
11:54pm
]
[ mood | crappy ]

After sitting on myspace depressed all night.
Trying to post bulletins to vent my hate for a certain someone *sigh*.
I realized how fucking pointless it is.
and how fucking retarded myspace is.
I'm starting to wonder.
If people on myspace are real at all?.
Do they honestly ever feel troubled?.
Or are they too concerned with how high their comment count gets.
Just so they can read the same thing by 50 different people, written the same way by 50 people before those 50 people and so on.
Honestly.
christ.
fucking if you have 500 comments on one picture.
Don't beg me for more.
and dont gunk up my fucking bulletin space
with your stupid WHORE ME bullshit its gay and so are you.
Myspace is definitely.. for people with no lives.
fuck it.
this week has sucked a big dick
I drank way too much last night
spent my whole day hugging the toilet and spending time with my dying cat who cant even breathe and drools everywhere.
its so funny how things change from normal.
To completely un normal.
and you have no i fucking dea whats going to happen.
I found david demesquita the other day.
on myspace.
It eased my mind from brian anyways.
now i just feel like shit again only this time because i miss david.
and he told me he was sorry for not seeing me, that he knew that was a mistake but he felt it was right at the time, and that hes been trying to get in touch with me since then, but i dont know what to believe.
So now brian isnt sure if he loves me.
and says, that he wants to obtain a better friendship with me again.
and then if something develops that he wont deny what hes feeling and he'll take me back so fast that i wouldnt even know what happened.
and im so fucking tired of IF'S i can't base my fucking life on situations that ammount to an "IF". fuck that.. thats gay.

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[Monday
September 12th, 2005
6:01pm
]
[ mood | depressed ]

Today Really sucks.
Ive spent most of the day in cleveland clinic.
waiting on the news of my uncle, they called us this morning
saying that they thought for sure, he was going to pass away today.
and.
not to mention its the aniversary of nolan dying.
I had to have my screaming vox done for struggle today.
so that it could go onto the hurricane katrina benefit album.
but seeing as im not home thats not going to happen.
my dad also told me , he feels that we should cancel the show.
because he feels we are going to lose our asses.
because of how many shows are going on that weekend.
so im trying to avoid doing that
im trying to just figure out a way where monument and jesse dunn and jeff bowers or hey sandy can play. so that way i can pay them their guarentee. and then pay one localband and not 3. and maybe make enough money to still give the bar some.
so.:-\ i don't know wtf to do anymore.
this day has just sucked so bad.
Im dealing with so much shit.
Im like pulling my hair out pretty much it fucking sucks.

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[Friday
September 9th, 2005
1:33pm
]
[ mood | creative ]

Last night Jordan and I hung out.
We basically just went to wal mart got some beers.
and he bought the new death cab cuz he hadnt heard it yet.
etc.
we hung out drank the beers in the hotel parking lot haha.
made fun of people haha ..
I cant really name any on here, because some of my friends do like those people. and it'll start fucking drama.
Anyways It was a really good time. Jordan is definitely
a nice nice nice, and very very very good looking fellow haha.
HAHA.
so yeah I hate drinking beer.
It makes my brain hurt in the morning
and I hate playing find the shit you lost when you were drinking game
my cigarettes are M>I>A> and i dont think they are going to be found along with my cell phone house key... and purse.
haha <3
So today im not going to do much, Lay down some screams on the new song so we can get that shit up and playing on myspace and hxcmp3.
and then I guess im chillin for the rest of the day.
and tomorrow = dead to fall with desi <3
so i wont be here much this weekend.
:-D

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djksadjh [Thursday
September 8th, 2005
2:22am
]
[ mood | groggy ]

I've had so much time to think today.
about how I feel about my life right now.
And I feel like.
Life really does fucking suck right now.
I've concluded that I miss two people very very very much.
I talked to one of them today breifly.
And basically im just blurting this out
Sidney , I love you more than anything.
And I've made numerous attempts to try and forget that.
But I can't.
It doesn't feel right.
I don't know why, or how it even happened.
But since it started.
I've been so sure of it.
And this not talking to you in days is killing me.
I'm glad that your band is going well.
and I wish you the best with everything.
I just want you to know that, I miss you more than I've missed anything.
And I spent all of today, Looking back on poem after poem after poem after poem i've written about you.
you've touched my life so much, Without you I don't know where I would be.
I keep reading old conversations.
And try to remember anything.
anything that I can hold on to that reminds me of you.
I'm so fucking scared right now.
I've always been so sure of everything in my life.
I always had some idea of what the outcome would be.
But this is different, I don't know what will happen.
If anything at all.
I just hope so much so so so much.
Things I've said to you will touch you somehow.
in any way.
and that one day you'll see.
That the person you have been looking for, is right infront ofyou.
and always will be.
I've had aruguements with my own thoughts, on why I should give up.
Or just stop telling you what I feel.
But I always put them aside, because I know that these feelings that I have.
Are the truest I've ever felt.
and I've not been more sure of anything as Iam, that I love you.

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Okay, Anonomyous FUCK HEAD [Tuesday
September 6th, 2005
1:25pm
]
[ mood | cranky ]

Who decided to make crude comments about my louisiana entry.
You can pretty much fuck off.
If you don't like what I'm saying or disagree with what I was saying.
Atleast have the balls enough to log into live journal and comment my entry
instead of being a fucking douche bag.
You pretty much suck horribly at life.
And you're not a compassionate person apparently.
So why don't you.
Just suck my fucking left clit flap.
and deal with it.
This is fucking reality loser.
Incase you failed to acknowledge that when you watched the news.
People are dying right now.
And they need help,
and all that you can say to that is.
"WAH WAH WAH"
Shut your fucking mouth.
You're lucky I don't kill you , You worthless fuck head.
Grow the fuck up.
Be some what intellegent, and accept whats going on around you.
Turning off the television everytime you see whats happening isn't going to change that,and I feel.
If I can help out by writing a journal entry, In hopes of getting other people to donate can food, old clothing or maybe some extra money.
Then I'm going to do that.
I have friends in Louisiana, not that you care because you're an inconsiderate piece of trash.
but yeah I'm done, It's apparent that Jenn and I have both made an Imbecile out of you.
Now go die.
thanks.
Oh and I hope you rot in hell.


On another note, I went to wal mart todayyy ( HAHA )
and some old lady about 85 years old and her husband pulled up next to me.
The windows were down, and I was death cab for cutie (something about airplanes) and i went to switch to ( we have the facts and we're voting yes)
and turns out she was listening haha, and she liked it,
and then commented how the music was beautiful and that she used to play piano in her younger days , It made me happy to see that she liked the music, A lot of older folk, aren't really musically open and should be.
So all in all that was nice and it made me smile that she thanked me for playing her music :-).

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The South. [Monday
September 5th, 2005
7:24pm
]
[ mood | cynical ]

The southern states as you know.
Louisiana, and some of mississippi, are in ruiens.
I never really realised how serious this hurricane was,
Until I seen the below posted pictures.
There are hundreds of thousands of homeless people.
As well as many sick, and or hurt people.
Who are getting no help from any rescue or disaster teams.
People are literally drowning, as news casters, and newspapers
all stand by and do nothing about it.
Hurricane Katrina has completely demolished everything,
Including our oil plants in the gulf.
Honestly though.
Us, In ohio are sitting here bitching about our gas prices going up.
and we watch the news coverage and say, wow. poor people, and then change the channel.
Why do we change the channel?. Or turn off the t.v.?.
Because as human beings, Our minds are affected by what we're seeing,
and we feel that we can't help, Or maybe we are too lazy to help.
Well let me tell you, We can help.
even if its by donating blood. or donating even a dollar or two to the red cross, Yeah its not like all of us, can get up and go to louisiana to help people, But we could donate a few dollars, almost every city has a redcross center, and you can donate there.
Or you could even donate on myspace.
I just dont see how everyone can be faced with whats going on everytime they turn on a television and then go about their lives.
For christs sake there are mothers and their children drowning in the streets and the water keeps rising and rising, and they cant even get to those people, because there are too many other people they are dealing with.
Im just ranting, because honestly there is so much you could do.
Stop sitting around, and watching this on tv, and do something about it donate some money to your local red cross walk it in if you dont have a credit card, honestly do something.
stop worrying about race, just because someone is black, or of a different nationality than yourself, it doesn't matter they are human beings and they are dying right fucking now.
due to lack of money to clean things up or lack of money to buy gas for search and rescue boats etc etc.

you dont really realize how bad it is.
look at these pictures.
and then honestly think about what i said.
k thnx bye


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so i think [Sunday
September 4th, 2005
1:24pm
]
[ mood | creative ]

I think I'm just going to start updating on a regular basis.
I mean , I have nothing else to do, And great things have been happening to me left and right. I sort of joined this grindcore band, We Came With Broken Teeth. I'm not sure if its temporary there was talk of me finishing off the album with them, and then going on tour, if theres enough money for it in summer, So I guess we'll see. Last night nick came over, FINALLY
My mom had me convinced that he wasnt coming, SO I left and we went to rite aid, and im sort of like pissed she made me leave and tom goes " look nikki that looks like one of your crew right there", and I look up and its nick.
He got lost so he went to rite aid for directions, I mean WTF what are the chances that, he would just show up at rite aid to find my house the same time as we were leaving thats ridiculous. Anyways We ended up going to the fair with my mom and tom and seth, and met up with my aunt denise and uncle bob, and me and nick seperated from everyone and went around looking for the animals and I found themmm so i was like eeeeep! and ran up and petted them all while nick laughed at me. Then we were walking around and we kept seeing like these people who were really fucked up looking haha, and there was this older guy whos mouth was like stuck open and he was breathing all heavy as he went by
and nick goes, "OMG!! are you okay?!!".
at that point i about fucking died.
Then we were walking, And I seen ERIN!!!
and I was like OMGGG because I miss her so muchhh
and then she took a picture of me, which im sure looked like shit because Im gross duh.
Then, nick and I walked back to the car and sat for like 4 hrs and he kept scaring me saying he seen someone with a knife run behind the car and blah blah and I about pissed my pantsss.
We came home, He continued to scare me.
WE cuddled and stuff and took pictors.
the end.

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people. [Sunday
August 28th, 2005
9:24pm
]
[ mood | crazy ]

Today has proved to me, That you never know who people"truly" are.
No matter how much trust you put into someone.
Or how much you care about someone, Or start to care for someone.
In an instant you can find out that the whole time you were being mislead.

I guess it just doesn't matter how much you trust someone or care about them, If they're a bad person.
They're a bad person.
I'm really upset .
To learn someone I was befriending, Isn't even who he "claimed" to be.
And not only hurt me, But hurt all of those around him who he supposibly loved. This just opened my eyes to the whole truth of the statement " Not everything Is the way it appears to be".

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jdah [Thursday
August 4th, 2005
1:30pm
]
[ mood | crappy ]

Things were looking down for awhile.
But I guess things are good now.
Ive came to the conclusion that im going to be spending about 5 days a week in kent with raelynn and on saturday and sunday ill spend one day at my dads or moms, and Im just gonna get a job in kent somewhere kent really is a nice nice place. I love it there.
Chipotle is hiring so im thinking about applying there.
or at a coffee shop or something just to make some money to save up for a house or apartment. I really want to get one with addam that way rae can move in too after she turns 18. and hopefully sidney will move in with us, if he doesn't find a place in columbus, that way everything will be cheaper for all of us, and we can all help eachother out. The last 3 weeks with patrick.
Where to start.
I guess were pretty amazing like always, Its just heartbreaking to watch him go again. blah.
I got a job photographing a wedding for my moms friend.
She made me feel really bad, so I worked down to 60 dollars.
even though I have a lot of shit on my hands for photographing other peoples things as it is. I guess 60 dollars is better than nothing, and this lady really does deserve and would appreciate what im doing for her.
Then on sunday, Im leaving for alabama for a week.
should be fun :-)
Im excited for that , ALthough Id rather be in kent, or near the ocean :-(

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Today. [Saturday
July 9th, 2005
3:28am
]
[ mood | ecstatic ]

Its 3:28 am. and I think already.
This day has been close to the best day in my life.
Earlier on friday umbrellas requested to be my myspace friend, and they are one of my favorite bands like in this whole entire world.
and I wrote them a message just for kicks totally not expecting them to write back but they did, and then, I replied, asking to photograph them for the millcreek showcase in september. and they said, that they were totally interested and would love for me to photograph them before the show or after the show sometime :-) and im so fucking psyched the show is in lima, ohio on august 9th with the spill canvas, wakefield, ambry and nural.
This seriously is amazing amazing amazing.
and sunday will be amazing too,
it = me going with desi and megannn to shonnas partyyy
and i miss everyone so im mucho excitedd.<3<3<3<3
ajsdhkjashdkjahsd
ajhsdkjahskdjhk
kjdahsdkjhakjdhkjahd
ajdhaskjdhkjahdkjahdkjhd

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yeahhh [Thursday
July 7th, 2005
12:22pm
]
[ mood | crazy ]



Today, Should be a fun day.
Me and mike are hanging out.
We're gonna cruise in the drop top blasting mike jonesss.
and go to getttt tropical sno hahahahaha.
Ehhh These past two weeks, Haven't really been as bad as I thought they would be. I hung out with brian last week. Against my better judgement.
But, It actually went pretty swell.
I met him at the hospital and then we went to canton to this internet cafe called toxic heat. which was cool.
thennn we came back to my house for a little sat outside, because my mom doesnt like him and she wasnt supposed to know he was here.
Then we drove out to the country, and went to this old quaker cemetary on rockhill road. and he kept trying to scare me haha by saying he seen something glowing and my response "stfu asshole its just a lightning bug " hahahah.
wow, so yeah anyways he was going to stay the night i told him he couldn't and then he went to get gas and soy milk came back for a lil bit.
Tried seducing me, which failed. and went home.
After he gave me a cd.
anyways
yeah thats all.
oh and you should all love the song above its amazinggg

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[Friday
May 20th, 2005
12:24am
]
[ mood | infuriated ]

Okay, After all the drama of tonight unfolded.
My passwords being changed and all of that nonsense .
Im no longer posting anyyyy entries about talking to conor.
Or conor being my friend because certain people can't handle that.
Yes, IT'S THE REAL "CONOR" I'VE HEARD HIS VOICE AND HE HAS A SIDEKICK. IT HAS A CAMERA SO HE TAKES PICTURES OF HIM AND WHERE HE'S AT AND HIS AIM BUDDY LIST IS AT ITS MAX, SO NO YOU CAN'T HAVE HIS SN OMG!.

[Thursday
May 19th, 2005
11:07pm
]
people need to stop fucking with my shit the end.
Dont tell me wtf i said, stop changing my myspace passwords, aim passwords and livejournal passwords so you can alter the things i say that would be greatly appreciated thanks.
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overdose [Thursday
May 19th, 2005
3:46pm
]
[ mood | groggy ]

My mom fucking overdosed me on sleeping pills on accident.
and ive slept all day.
I just thought I should write about this because it was funny.
hahaha.
wowza.

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kjahdjksh [Thursday
May 19th, 2005
2:06am
]
[ mood | tired ]

Today was an okay day,
I got a phone call from my baybeh patrick this morning <333
and I got to hear sidneys new song, which is amazing duh.
and then I talked to conor for the rest of the day.
and raheim.
Then I imed tom and was helping him pick the colors hes going to use to redesign his bedroom. and then me and dorian and conor were having a three way aim conversation about the star wars convention that conor went to after the show tonight haha.
he said he got hit with light sabers more times than he could count hahahaha.I love conor hes so fucking random and just amazing haha.
But I miss justin my bestest friend in the whole world with my whole heart and I wish he would get online because im really sad without him, Friday nick was supposed to come down to visit, But he got stuck working again because some fuckhead quit. But it all worked out for the best anyways, Because I was actually planning on going to kent friday to see rae addam and zaq!. So at this point Im pretty sure my weekend will be amazing , Afterall im going to be with the 3 most amazing people ever, hah Im sure it will probably turn out to be more than 3 hah because some how everytime im in kent with rae and zaq andy hendricks and matt and ciaran always end up hanging out with us.
so it'll be funn x 827387.
In the morning larry and anthony are coming over again to get high as fuck with me haha, Supposibly this shit anthony got is brutal its like one hitter quitter shit, and he usually has amazing weed haha so im pretty sure its intense if he says it is haha.
wake and bake. this should be fun haha.

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