So,It's that time of year again.
That time of year when he ruiened my life.
Made me something I never was, Before he came into my life.
I thought I was fine. I thought for once everything was perfect.
Brandon and I seemed to have everything under control, Everything seemed
to be figured out. But I found myself drifting, I found myself getting lost in my own thoughts more and more each day, Contemplating every incomplete thought that entered my head over and over.The realization that I'm going to be an adult in 3 months. The moment I've waited for my whole life, Just biting my tongue and waiting out the ride for it to be here.
And As it nears, I feel incomplete, I've changed so much since two years ago.
Or so I thought, Lately my friends are out enjoying their weekends, and hanging out together, Not really thinking once about me, and I feel alone isolated like nothing matters.I've started beinge drinking again, I like the way it feels, I'm almost numb for a second.
All of the thoughts I had last year around this time are coming back.
The ones where I just thought of ending it all, One quick bullet to the head.
It doesn't just solve problems, It ends them.
I don't know myself anymore, I really don't and it's scaring me.
I broke up with brandon because I'm unsure about myself, About my life.
And for some reason around the time I was contemplating ending things with brandon, A boy came along. At first glance I swore he was the same as the rest.
Black Hair , Girl Pants , Bandana and a face to die for. I swore he was bad news. But for some reason I stood in the corner and kept my fingers crossed hoping he would say something to me, and to my suprise he did, He came up to me shook my hand and introduced himself. And I did the same.
I didn't know that I was about to find out that this boy is the most amazing boy that I had ever met. After the show we exchanged aim names or myspace names something of the sort, and Schedueled to hang out.
I honestly didn't expect it to happen. But it did.
He drove all the way from cortland to visit me and just hang out.
And that night was perfect, Words couldn't even begin to explain how wonderful it was.
So I'll leave you with some pictures and a few attempted words to explain how incredible that night was for me.
Now that you have seen the pictures that are worth 1000 words.
Here are the infamous 1000 words.
"It was a quiet walk into town.
I remember I was looking down at the ground.
All I could hear between exchanged words.
Was my heart beating.
Loud enough to deafen those who dared to listen.
I was afriad that I was the only one who could hear it.
Looking at you from behind the glass,
The colored lights cast a neon prisim of color on your face.
You were the most beautiful picture I had ever seen.
But, my lips wouldn't DARE tell you.
The whole walk home, I wanted to scream.
I hadn't had a night like that in forever.
And I'll always remember when I put out my overly anxious arms and wanted to collapse in yours.
Upon the nights departure, I smiled and said to myself.
" I know where I'm going, I just don't know how to get there".
Because I've been looking for the directions.
But they're no longer written on my hands in black ink pen.
So I'll rely on your words.
And I'll just keep smiling until I see you again.
Last night I laid in the grass
The warm wind blew over me and, Wrapped me up like a blanket.
and the whole time I was wishing you could see the way the sky was raining colors, The way the sound of each leaf fluttering to the ground was blocking out the sound of my heart in my chest, As I was laying there thinking about you, I felt like I was dancing for hours, But My feet never left the ground I went inside and called you just to tell you I liked you alot.
But the truth is that just graces the surface of things."
I also hung out with him again this weekend.
and I don't think I could have met a more perfect person.
I honestly sincerely mean that too.
Jeremy Redmond, Is amazing.